Thursday, January 27, 2011

Underthinking Tampons

So on Sunday, I put out an SOS since I was struggling to think of topics for me to discuss. Well the underthinking fans responded with a myriad of suggestions, from necromancers to injuries, or cats. And I promise to attempt to write a blog about all requests. But the one that caught my eye was maybe originally a facetious suggestion: Tampons.

Awkward Turtle.
 When I first saw the suggestion I was like no way can I write a blog about that, I mean what do I talk about, I have no idea about tampons, and too be honest I couldn't think of anything I could write with offending everyone on the planet. For starters what pictures would I use?

Correct use of a Tampon.

Obviously that is the wrong tact for multiple reasons, probably the most pertinent I don't know what the correct use is. I guess I could look at the history of tampons, but then I realised similar awkwardness would arise. Just typing the word tampon into google, made me uncomfortable.

"Oh god, what is going to happen, when I press enter?"

But then I realised thats the angle to go with, why do men feel so uncomfortable about them. Notice I didn't use their name there, that is because for most men, tampon is an equivalent word to Voldemort in the Harry Potter universe.


A man picking up "Those-that-must-not-be-named" for his girlfriend
What causes this innate discomfort, I mean they are not exactly the most scary looking things in the world.

It kind of looks like a mouse

It obviously not how they look, and why should it be. For most men all we see is those ridiculous bright coloured boxes they come in, not the tampons themselves. Why are tampons sold in such bright packaging?
I mean I am aware its a natural thing, and that tampons are a necessary part of the process. But surely you would want a nice discrete package so as they to not draw so much attention to them.
I AM HAVING MY PERIOD!
Although maybe this packing is to protect men, if they see a bright colour out of the corner of their eyes, they know that they need to tread carefully around the woman for the next couple of days.
But whilst they may be the victim of a tongue lashing this is not enough to cause the discomfort exhibited by most men, so what is it that is causing it????

I put my crack team of researchers on the case at the underthinking it library.

And then it struck me, that is why men are scared of tampons. It was so obvious, the reason of course is because where there is a tampon a woman with a period cannot be far behind. And as we are all aware a woman with a period attracts bears.

They can smell the menstration
So I have solved the riddle, men feel discomfort around the word tampons, because it reminds them that soon they will be running from a bear.
I also have a favourite man-underthinking-tampon joke, (it is the only one I know) so here it is....

Three convicts were on the way to prison, they were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. 

Probably not what he had in mind


Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

"Goddamit, Why am I always the Arsehole!!"
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"

"If I go horseback riding, I need these right?"

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