Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Underthinking breaking my nose

So for those of you unaware, I managed to realign my nose during a social game of ice hockey. Now I play Ice hockey to a reasonably high level, but I normally play in net. This was probably my second game in the field as it were, and I managed to break my face.

Safe areas for Aaron highlighted in Blue.
So with my new found freedom of skating any where I decided to do a little experiment, which is harder my face, or the boards.

Trial #1 Conducted by Ice Scientician JP Bertrand (right), indicates the boards are harder.
All though that is not really a robust, trial, I imagine I need to do three replicates at least to be sure. So I had managed to break my nose, and put some pretty good cuts in my head that required stitches, 6 to be precise.

Apparently that is not enough stitches for them to put a bear on my forehead. (I asked)
So anyway the next day the swelling in the bridge of my nose got to ludicrous levels, and coupled with the fact my eyes went black/blue lead to my teammates/flatmates/random strangers began to ponder outloud whether I or not I was turning into an Avatar (The cat ones, not the last airbender ones that would be racist).

That weird screamy one kept hitting on me.
I went to the Doctor, due in large part to the fact I can't breathe through my nose properly. This is pretty inconvenient, expecially when your mouth is preoccupied eating/drinking/kissing/playing didgeridoo.

Which is pretty gay, since it is my favourite hobby.
But apparently due to the large amount of swelling that occurs they don't look at your nose for 7-10 days after it occurred. So today was the day, I went down to the fractured nose clinic, apparently noses get fractured regularly enough they need their own clinic, as far as I am aware no other fracture gets its own clinic. I think that's why stuck up people are said to have their nose in the air since its more important than the other fractured areas of the body.

I am better than you because my nose has its own clinic.
From the clinic it was decided my nose definitely had a lean to the left, so they juiced me up with drugs, and the Doctor realigned it. Now this isn't an exact science no measuring or anything, she just figures what side its leaning and sort hangs off you nose on the other side, until it clicks back into place, and you can definitely hear it.

Okay, got it son, I am going to drop you and hopefully your weight will pull me back into place.
And now I just have to be careful with it in the next three weeks. I got given some care advice, most was good, the only one that made me wonder, was the advice not to lie on my nose. Who needs to be told that, surely not putting a lot of weight on the broken nose is pretty much a given.

What do you mean it isn't good for my nose?

Monday, June 27, 2011

Underthinking Penguin surgery.

Ok let me caveat this post, by saying I love animals and much as the next man. They are awesome, and despite our belief they rule us.

Oi, where is my food! You can't hide from me forever!
But this latest story about the emergency surgery on the penguin has got me thinking at what point should we just leave animals to their own accord, rather than intervening.  I mean sure "Happy feet" is a sick penguin, but surely there are hundreds of sick penguins in Antarctica.

You think the waiting time at A & E is bad
I guess you could argue that this poor little penguin actually got off his arse, (I presume penguins have arses) and got to NZ for treatment, but perhaps the reason he came to NZ was to die, away from his family?

Look after Horicks, I am off to NZ to die.
Or maybe he came to NZ because the illness screwed with his sense of direction?

"I could have sworn Fred said to turn right at Scott Base?"
So why did we decide to save this penguin, and not a dying cow, or sick cockroach? I mean if he got this lost maybe its better for everyone if he is removed from the gene pool?

Happy feet 2004-2011 - He will be missed, but we are glad he is not breeding
I mean the guy was eating SAND. That's not really the sharpest tool in the shed.
(As a side, why is that a saying? I mean sure you can rate your tools on sharpness, but how is having a sharp hammer helpful?)

Stupid sharp Hammer!

The saying really should be "He's not the sharpest tool in the shed, when you are looking for a tool to cut things" But I guess that doesn't flow as nicely.

And who is paying for his treatment? If he was a pet, presumably the owner pays for it, but this guy is a freelance penguin, is he covered under ACC? Would he be better off if National had privatised health insurance?

"Under ethnicity he has put Emperor, shouldn't that be under title"
I mean I guess I don't think anyone should let someone/something die, if they have the ability to save it, but wouldn't the cost of rescuing this penguin be better spent, on giving someone a new hip, liver, heart, or hairpiece?

With this new haircut, I now have the confidence to be in Public
Is it time we sit down as a country and write a priority list? I mean ideally everyone would get treatment when they need it. But with limited funds, things need to be prioritised, like people that need new hearts go first, because well without that they will die, and then just go down the list, with life threatening things at the top, then things that are good for quality of life but not necessarily required to live, like knee and hip replacements.

If such a list existed where would you put life-saving surgery on animals?(presuming we lived in socialist country where all healthcare is provided.)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Underthinking Volcanic Air travel

Air traffic around the world is once again being disrupted from another volcano. First there was that one from Iceland, that no non-icelandic speaker could say.

Icelandic people have greater tongue dexterity to allow them to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull
 Now we have this Chilean Volcano, it appears to me since the world seems to be falling to pieces, these volcano's aren't going to stop blowing up.

Timmy tried to stop them, but apparently filling them in with a shovel was not the solution. RIP.
Pretty much when the ash clouds from these volcanoes invade the air space, then all the flights are grounded because the cloud can jam up the engines, causing them to stop, when you are 6-8 miles in the air this is less than ideal. Well almost all flights, apparently Air NZ is tougher than the other airlines.

The  Pilots of Air NZ.
Their motto is "F*** the conditions we are flying"
Although many people myself included are up for adventure, a lot of people are also afraid of the consequences of flying in dangerous conditions.

So it turns out you can't fly in Volcanic Ash.
I think what really needs to be done is to use planes that are unaffected by this ash. Nice one you say Azzy, what are you going to do just invent a new plane?

No actually I don't mean I will invent a totally new plane, do you know why? Because we already have planes that can fly in Volcanic ash, we just don't use them anymore. Well not much in the Western World any more, the old propeller planes cope with Ash just fine, unlike those crappy jet planes. That's right your Grandpa was right at least once when he told you things were better in his day.

Told you, and don't get me started on how the education system was better in my day.

This was proven in last week when the incumbent Emperor of NZ Richie McCaw commisioned an old DC3 from a local aviation museum to fly from Christchurch to Wellington, a route those fancy Jet Planes couldn't make.

Get those Tourists out of the way. The Emperor wants his plane.

I guess the main reason we abandoned these planes is they are slower and their range is shorter, so this means more stopovers. Its inconvenient, and if there is anything we hate in this day and age its inconvenience. I say calm down people with all your Blackphones and i-berries travel is only required for holidays now anyway, so just relax. In fact there is another type of transportation that is immune to the Earth's flatulence, which I think needs to be re-instated immediately. That's right  DIRIGIBLES!

"A what?"
Sorry I forgot, Barack Obama 44th president of the USA, most people recognise Dirigibles by the most famous brand of them, Zeppelins.

"Oh now I got you, and since I am  more relaxed I have also removed my tie"
I mean what is wrong with an airship, imagine it just floating in the air, slowly making your way to your destination flying at a height that allows you to take in the scenery as you fly over.
Transportation of choice for Indiana Jones whilst escaping Nazi Germany.
Why on Earth did we get rid of this sort of transportation?

Oh right
But really that was one incident, and the only people that died were the ones that jumped out of the Hindenberg as it was going down, everyone who stayed in their seats until it hit the ground survived. Although I got to say its a ballsy move to stay seated as thousands of litres of Hydrogen burns above you.

Stop fidgeting Fritz, the burning ship will hit the ground shortly.
All I know is if we still had airships, you wouldn't be sitting in an airport right now reading this post, because you would be flying in this volcanic ash.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Underthinking I suppose

Well many people maintain that the English language is not tonal, I beg to differ

"Please Sir may I differ."
For those of you unaware a tonal language is one where the meaning of word can be changed by where you place the inflection in it. The word that brought this to my attention is the word "suppose", having limited experience in this field I have turned to my good friend Dr. Alfred Maybe from the Meh institute, who is a leading academic in the field of supposology.

Dr. Alfred Maybe
 Now I am not talking about the suppose one uses we postulating an idea, generally hypothetical situation. i.e Suppose Sharks could fly.

Skydiving just got 50% more dangerous
The usuage I am talking about when the word suppose is used to start a sentence in conjunction with I, i.e I suppose..... By doing this one is of course indicating ones indifference or reluctance to concede a point in an argument.
Now Dr Alfred Maybe after years of research has traced the origins of this usage back to the famous Marie Antoinette quote, that most of you know as "Let them eat cake". For years there has been speculation that this alone could not have been the cause of peasants beheading her, Dr Alfred Maybe has discover that we have been leaving part of the phrase out.

"I suppose, let them eat cake"
 It was that little snippet at the start that really infuriated the serfs, as it indicated that Marie was very indifferent to give the serfs cake, despite as shown in the pictorial evidence she had a plethora of cake.
This is all well and good Azzy you say I am learning this interesting historical[1]
information but what does this have to do with your tonal theory?

That's a good question Chinese film star Jackie Chan[2]
Well Jackie, picture this common situation where the usage "I suppose..." arises.


The situation normally arises in a healthy debate, when one party will concede the point to the other, beginning the sentence with "I suppose...".

There are three ways that the suppose can be pronounced.
i/ SUP-pose : I am reluctant to agree with you, because I am wrong but don't want to admit it
i.e "I SUP-pose I should have been wearing a mouth guard" 

"Ahh Mum, I am not sure this is a good pet"

"I SUP-pose getting Timmy that pet bear was a bad idea."

ii/. sup-POSE: I am reluctant to agree with you, because there is no was what you are saying is correct, but I am too tired to continue arguing.

i.e. "I sup-POSE it is okay, you spent our mortgage payments on new shoes this month"

i.e. "I sup-POSE you haven't failed a drugs test Lance Armstrong, so you probably aren't a drugs cheat"

iii/. su-PO-se: I am really indifferent to what you are saying altogther.

i.e. "Yeah I su-PO-se we can go over there, Avril Lavigne with a cartoonishly long arm"
"I su-PO-se I am not the world's smartest man, but I was the president of the USA."

1. Historical accuracy not guaranteed. 
2. Jackie Chan may or may not read

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Underthinking losing your keys

So last week, I lost my keys, well when I say I lost my keys I dropped them under our deck at home so I knew exactly where they were, they were just out of reach.
I am pretty sure my flatmate built the deck for this express purpose, seeing as the gap is large enough for keys to fall through, but small enough a human arm doesn't fit through it.

In fact I found these plans in his draw.
I had come home after a couple of quiet drinks, and had my hands full of keys, cake and computer while trying to open door, and dropped keys, in the dark. As soon as I realised what had happened my head just dropped, and I contemplated my next move.

I looked like this kid, who just got told there will be no ice cream today.
Locking your keys out is the worst feeling in the world especially when you have a glass door in your house. I was stuck outside, but I could see the couch where I was going to sit and eat the aforementioned cake.

So close, yet so far.
It was the worst punishment, my keys were a metre from me, the couch about 4 metres, and I could utilise neither. I now knew how Tantalus felt, the person for who the word Tantalise is derived from, I didn't know if this was particularly fair as I hadn't tried to feed my children to the gods, nor did I steal their ambrosia and nectar.

But only because my Grandma makes a mean ambrosia
Being the nice guy that I am, I decided against waking my flatmates, yeah that's how nice I am. I drove to my parents house, where I contemplated my next move. The next day I managed to retrieve my keys with use of some number 8 wire, and some expert technique, using the small gaps between the boards to view what I was doing.

Those 15 years at medical school finally paid off.
Sadly this is not the first time I have lost keys, and at least this time I knew where to find them. When I was travelling around South America, I befriended an Irishman and a Scotsman and we got an apartment together.

Sometimes I felt like the third wheel you know.
So one evening they decided it was a good idea to give me the keys, well anyway this was all good. Except they feel out of my pocket in the taxi. So again I knew exactly where they were, the only problem is in Buenos Aires there are about 40 taxi companies and they all look the same.

Those three cabs are from different companies.

So there we are locked out of our apartment on a Saturday night, what do we do? This time the door was 3 inch steel, so the odds of breaking in, were not high.

Unfortunately The Hulk had left our travelling group earlier in the week
 The rental agency was closed in the weekends, as was every locksmith in Argentina. So we needed to find some where to sleep for two nights, well actually one night, since on the first night, me and the Irishman just went out to 9 in the morning to save ourselves finding a bed.

This actually makes wonder how many people who are last in the club actually have beds to go to?
 Turns out hostels in Argentina don't have high security as we managed to sleep in the television room of one the second night, pretending we were just staying up late to watch movies. When Monday rolled around I went to the rental agency to get the spare keys, turns out the keys had been lost numerous times before since the spare keys there didn't open our door. So the locksmith had to be found, unfortunately I think they were all partying with us, since everyone was on siesta at 2pm.
At 2pm, no matter what you are doing you have a snooze in BA.
Eventually one was found, and we were back in our apartment, but after two days, we were tired and beat up. Especially the Scotsman who actually got beat up and kicked out of a moving car at 30 Kph. So throw the simple act of losing my keys we had an adventure, but also one of us almost lost our lives. So I wonder why we persist with a way to enter our houses, that is one mistimed handstand, or backflip away from falling of your pocket.

Definitely locked out tonight
Bring on something un-losable I say like retinal scanning or fingerprint identification on your house door.

Goddamnit has anyone seen my eye? I misplaced it again?

    Want to keep Underthinking? Try one these.